I recently lost touch with a dear friend. Somebody I had strong feelings for. I don’t know why she decided to break contact with me but she did and I have to respect her decision and move forward.
In times gone by I would have used hate to process how I feel. I would have, metaphorically speaking, pressed pins into her doll.
But I can’t do that. It’s not me. I’m a different person now and such a strong emotion can set me back a long way.
So I will use what I’ve always used to overcome this – expression.
I live for words and pictures. I love to draw and I love to write.
The very process of writing this post is in itself hugely cathartic.
In order to properly address the situation I have to take a close look at who I am, who I was and what I meant to the lady in question.
I also have to think about her side of things. Who she was and is.
- Was our friendship built upon uneven ground?
- Were we just incompatible as friends?
- Was I annoying? Overbearing?
The answer to those questions may well be yes.
In the cold light of day and with some clarity I’m able to think about this pragmatically. It makes sense that if two people are so far removed from one another then the slightest thing is likely to annoy.
As a friend to anyone (I’m lucky to count several people as close friends) I always seek to offer love and support. If someone is naturally (and fiercely) independent then perhaps that is just too much?
As a friend I don’t give to receive. I never have.
But perhaps that is how I came across – wanting something in return.
As I’ve written here before, I don’t handle rejection too well. It throws me into complete turmoil.
But whereas the person I once was would have been quite destructive in response, the new me, the positive me looks to more realistic and useful actions to move forward.
And so I’m left with that uncomfortable but necessary task of forgetting about what I once felt. To suppress it wouldn’t be enough. I need to erase it from memory.
To hate the person in question would be easy but damaging.
To continue to ‘love’ them could be just as damaging.
But to recognise that I was quite possibly at fault and seek to correct where I’d gone wrong would more than likely place me in a better position for future friendships.
That’s not to say that this lady is faultless, she isn’t, but I have no control over that.
What I do have control over is my own course of action.
If life was easy we’d all be one dimensional and boring.